Voicemail: Steak and Eggs and Reba Part 2

As many of my friends (or my station wagon full of blog followers – up top! *high fives*) know, earlier this week I posted an actual voicemail left on my work’s answering machine. I will cherish it all of the days of my life. Leaving it as just audio on YouTube didn’t seem to do it justice, even though it still makes me laugh 3 days later. SO, my Lovah (his brains are way huge) has helped me to make it Sundance-worthy! I have reenacted it at the link above using Reba, Live! and Reba, Country Superstar-featured in a Forever Lazy.

Enjoy and go balls out sharing it with whomever you please!

Peace, Love & Reba

~Nic

Magical Panties

I shared this on Facebook and people seemed to enjoy it, so I’m sharing it here too!

I was spending the day at Disney with my boo when I noticed a small string, about a half-inch long, sticking out above the waist of my pants. I decided to pull on the string to get rid of it.

I was a string pulling machine!

and I pulled…and I pulled and proceeded to pull about 4 yards of string out of my pants.

Could have knitted the world a sweater!

I felt a breeze of unwanted freedom below and snapped the string with a key to stop the madness. I had a ball of fuzzy string pilled forever high in my hand and scurried to find somewhere to throw it away.

Watch out I’m trying to get rid of this shit!

I became afraid to use the public restroom because I feared my underwear were either gone entirely, or just laying down there like a fig leaf. I didn’t want to shift any tables in the jean-time-continuum ’cause I just can’t walk around naked in jean shorts. 100% cotton, maybe- but I’m definitely not doing any high kicks in either of those scenarios.

Eventually I did have to crack the pee levee because I drink a shit-ton of water. I stowed myself away into a back corner restroom stall where the light was flickering. Apparently that string was a major component of my underwear’s elastic band because without it, my underwear just kept getting bigger and bigger like they were magical. **ExpectoGrow’Em!** I tucked and folded them bad boys up like I was crafting origami cranes down there and went back out to hit the rides.

Pantygami

By the end of the night I could have sailed a ship with these bloomers, or at least have worn them as a shall or a hipster infinity scarf. At one point I seriously had that shiz tucked up under the bottom of my bra.

If I can figure out how to harness the power of the string I will market rip-cord panties to the world for the holiday season. “Pull this string! BOOM! Comfort.” Well, until they fall out of your pant leg.

Home Alone

I grew up a delicate flower in a boys world. Meaning, I only had brothers and if I was a flower, at the time it probably would have been some kind of flowering stank weed until about the age of 20. Today I was thinking about all the fun we had growing up together when I remembered this story:

ME SO SCARY!

My brothers and I would always sneak watch Unsolved Mysteries. If you hadn’t heard of this show, thank your lucky stars because that shiz would make drops of my urine pop out from fear quite regularly. So scary! Even the theme music was spooky. It had been unofficially banned from our house at night because we would stay up late watching it and then freak out all night about being kidnapped or abducted by aliens. But as they say: “When the mom and dad cats were away, the mice shall play!” SO when our parents went out of town overnight on a business trip for my Dad’s company, we were knee-deep in a marathon of “The Mysteries That Shall Not be Named”… or watched, or solved for that matter, before our folks ever got out of the subdivision. It was a lovely late spring evening and the windows in the tv room were wide open, welcoming the breeze of the season. A half hour into the marathon we were jumpy. One hour in we were down right terrified. When we heard that “the killer <was> still on the loose” in the state we lived in, we quickly shut all of the windows, locked the door and turned on every single light in the house. I think there was even discussion of recreating the scene from Home Alone where young Kevin had cardboard cutouts roaming the house on toy trains to make it seem like a party was happening as to escape certain doom. But then I think we got overwhelmed with the amount of work it would take… and our lack of working toy trains… and our inventory of zero cardboard cutouts… that we just decided Ace would make hamburgers on his George Foreman grill instead.

Ouch.

While Ace grilled us up some of his signature crumbly-to0-thick-and-kinda-raw-yet-somehow-burnt-burgers that we didn’t even have buns for, we made a pact to stay up all night and keep watch for axe murderers until our parental units arrived home in the morning. Ace actually came up with the plan mid-yawn. And by 2am, that bish had snuck up to his room after claiming he was “going to be right back, I have to go to the bathroom.” To keep ourselves awake, the remaining siblings; Rhino, Logan and I decided to mess with Ace. So Rhino and I snuck upstairs to Ace’s room, while Logan hid in the closet at the front door. Rhino and I took a deep breath to stop laughing, and then ran around upstairs screaming out “AHHHH! THE FOREMAN GRILL!!! AHHH!!! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! IT’S ON FIRE! HELP HELP!” as we banged on pots with wooden spoons. (I’m not sure why the pots and spoons were how we thought fires worked, but Ace didn’t ask any questions.)

GOO!

Ace shot out of bed in his tighty whities and darted down the steps and into the front yard. It was as if he had been pulled out of the house on a string. There was no rubbing of the eyes or sleepy stumbling, just haul-ass darting out of the house nearly naked. (Besides the panties and ever-fashionable tube socks, that is.)

At first we were entertained, but then we were like – “Hey, he didn’t even look for any of us!” Ace didn’t even look back. He didn’t yell inquiries. There was no “Here! Take my hand! Follow me!” or “I’ll fashion a ladder out of these sheets and we will all climb down to sweet freedom! Together!” Nothing. Not even, “If this shit is on fire, where’s all the smoke?” Just half naked Ace running so fast out of the house he left the front door open and a tube sock at the base of the front steps. Like some kind of stinky Cinderella. Logan popped out of the closet and closed the door. Then we turned on all the outside flood lights and watched Ace walk around the yard for ten minutes scratching his head and climbing over bushes. It might have been one of those “it’s funny because I’m sleep-deprived” moments, but to this day I STILL crack up at the thought of Ace running around the front yard half naked under a floodlight, throwing rocks at the house (he must have not known how fires worked either) while we giggled and watched him through the peep hole.

TAKE THAT, FIRE!

Eventually Ace came to the front door because he heard us laughing so loudly. He wasn’t even mad. He just was all “Well dang, all I could think was Mom and Dad are going to be pissed if I burned this mother down with the George Foreman Grill!” Again, nothing about his burnt siblings. Bahaha I love you Ace! Brothers are the best!

Football Schmootball

My feelings on football can easily be summed up in this graphic.

LOOK AT THEM!

But, being that Football is officially one of America’s past times, well besides baseball, eating and making meth – I have decided to help others with my same – couldn’t-give-a-shit-less-about-your-fooseball attitude 10 pointers to help pass the hours of time waisted when people around you are watching this crap. Keep in mind, I have no idea what I am talking about- especially when it comes to football.

1. If you watch football long enough, one of the little ref dudes is going to throw a yellow tissue. Wait for it, because it is hilarious that these big, bone-crushing men have chosen the proper way to illustrate someone being out of line is to drop a tissue, like they’re some Jane Austen lady in waiting dropping a glove to a suitor. WEAK! I like to yell out “Oh no Mr. Darcy!” and giggle like a demure geisha whenever it happens.

… but then I remember football blows. (Not a geisha – but you can tell she feels my pain.)

2. Even these hard bodied football dudes’ bodies jiggle in slow motion. Grant it, if it were me in a football uniform in slow motion, it might look like someone shaking out a down comforter, but it gave me peace of mind regardless. Watch for the man jelly, ladies – then eat some cake LIKE A BOSS! Git cho self confidence on, dawg!

LET’S DO THIS!

3. Payton Manning yelling out his plays or whatever to the team sounds like Will Ferrel when he pretends to be angry. I like to imagine that it IS Will Ferrel, and at any moment he will be running his half naked ass down the field in tighty whities and loafers. SAVE ME TOM CRUISE!

OMAHA!

4. They run food deals most often during football. Watch for this. It may be your way to see the light of day and retrieve said deliciousness for the football lovers, and doing things for others has gotta be good karma. Looks like you’re getting into Heaven after all!

5. You can pretty much get away with doing anything you want if the game is being watched by the majority of a group. Use this time to confess something you’re ashamed of, tell deep secrets or obligate others to helping with your upcoming yard sale. If someone actually hears you just cover it up by saying: “No, I said ‘Does anyone want me to go get wings?’” Crisis averted.

Oh… then who wants wings?!

6. Football player dudes like slapping each other’s butts. Play the drinking game by taking a shot every time someone smacks dat azz. You’ll be in rehab by half-time.

Boop.

7. They have half-time. It’s like 15 minutes of sweet freedom.

Whee!!! I’m so free!

8. Always watch the people in the crowd or sidelines. There’s pure gold in them fields.

Thank you Kinkos! (Yes I know he’s at a basketball game.)

9. Ask questions out loud like “How are they making that line move?!” or “Why is that guy trying to touch that other dude’s nuts?” or “Which team is the horses and which is from the Boston Tea Party?” Football people love these types of questions, especially when they’re all yelling about something. “Go Seahogs!”

Hey look they scored a home run!

10. Sometimes the players hold hands while they run. I’m not kidding. This is kind of an underground maneuver so you really have to watch for it. I was told, by an ex-pro NFL dude that “it’s something they sometimes do for spacing” but to me it’s like they’re role playing Little Red Riding Hood and her BFF skipping through the forest with a basket of cookies or just a couple of dudes acting out the lyrics to Tiffany’s 1987 hit “I Think We’re Alone Now.” How cliche.

Don’t worry, it’s almost over – plus the Red Hot Chili Peppers/Bruno Mars are playing the Super Bowl! Cheese doodles and sweet jams in 3…2…1…

Boy Scouts Done Lost They Mind!

We live in a neighborhood – and in said neighborhood we have “The Scouts” – Girls and Boys. Having been a Girl Scout, when fundraising season comes along I certainly don’t mind Smith handing out seven bucks for a box of Caramel Delights – or that he buys enough Thin Mints to keep himself sustained long after the apocalypse – but Boy Scouts?! You guys have lost your badge-loving minds. WHO CHARGES $55 for popcorn?! Are the Boy Scouts run by crazy people? Who’s making this popcorn? One Direction and the 1996 cast of Friends? Listen, this is not Mayflower times. Corn is no longer “the hot new thing on the streets,” so stop charging us like these nuggets are made of gold.

But she taught y'all how to make that shit!

Damn, that’s cold. She taught y’all how to make that shit.

If I had to sustain myself with popcorn, I’d be dead by lunchtime… of boredom. There aren’t even fortunes or magical gems in this stuff. Every year y’all sucker us in by sending those lil cuties around in their tiny neckerchiefs, but y’all won’t get me again. I KNOW HOW TO PRETEND I’M NOT HOME LIKE A CHAMP!

Ding Dong – no one’s home, chumps!

Come back after hurricane season and I will give you my Chef Boyardee cans, but until you guys stop thinking you are selling popcorn to Donald Trump, I ain’t buying. Hmm popcorn or gas for the month – which should I choose? Doi. How’s about I just give you ten dollars, you make some cookies and keep your popcorn for the rich and famous?

Additionally, y’all better start waving back after fundraising season is over or I’m turning the sprinkler settings on randomize. Acting like you don’t know my ass – but bishes gotta offload some kernels and all the sudden it’s like “Oh Hi, Miss Nicole!” Then a month later I wave and y’all act like I’m passing out candy bars and puppies from a van with no windows.

Shut up, you live next door and I baby sat you twice.

Game. Set. Match. I WON’T BE FOOLED AGAIN!

P.S. The winter theme on the tin was lovely.

How to Tie a Tie – In 5 Easy-NEVER

Any other girls ever curious about how to tie a tie? As a child, I was always fascinated watching my Dad magically turn a piece of oddly shaped cloth into a beautifully tied knot. I think because my Dad was a business man and not really the creative type – so seeing him whip the loose ends of the tie around so purposefully and artistically made me think he was some kind of secret artist I’d never heard of. (Because he was secret, you see.) You’d think with that much fascination that I would have been tying ties all my life like a mullafugga, right? Wrong. Tie knot instructions are lost on me. Let me take you through learning to tie a tie with me in “five easy steps.”

STEP ONE: “Cross the wide end over the narrow, then slip the wide end up between the tie and the collar, then simply drop it back down.”

My reaction to step one: I’m excited! —> “Oh yeah! I always wanted to do this… like professionally! Here’s my chance! Okay, concentrate!”

STEP TWO: “Wrap the wide end behind the narrow end from right to left.”

My thoughts: “Hmm I’ll read a few more steps and then find me a tie! Yes! This is gonna be awesome! I’ll be tying everyone’s ties! They will know me and my tie knots throughout the land! Gasp, maybe I’ll even invent a knot! HOLY CRAP!…”

STEP THREE: “Bring the wide end in front and over the loop between the collar and tie.”

My thoughts: “Eff this, I’m out.”

Then I go eat a bunch of chocolate and contemplate my life choices.

Not even sorry.

Luckily Smith can tie his own, or I can tie him a nice bow-like tie, as if it was intended for a present – which could totally work around the holidays.

Can you tie a tie? THEN SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET OUTTA MY FACE!

;)

Cordially Yours,

FU

If you’d like to learn to tie a tie, try Esquire (5 steps, in images like above).

Thankful Thursdays!

Today, I am thankful for…

Letting that crazy colored school bus out in front of me.

Sir Gus. He's just that royal.

Sir Gus. He’s just that royal.

And yes, he’s totally a real-azz camel hanging out of the emergency exit on a moving school bus. You can’t tell that camel what to do!

Also thankful for…

Having pets that seem to enjoy dressing up for Halloween. Or at least, don’t eat my face off when I approach them with something strange that I then put on their body.

Howdy, m'am. There will surely be shit in your shoes in the AM for this.

Howdy, m’am. There will surely be shit in your shoes in the AM for this.

SherrifZ

Come on, he totally looks like he’s enjoying this!

 

Having gotten to see Sigur Ros and Nine Inch Nails mere weeks apart!

Sigur rocked my non-existent balls off.

Sigur rocked my non-existent balls off.

 

NIN!

NIN!

Speaking of NIN – did I ever tell you that I made my mom go see them? She was talked into seeing Marilyn Manson with a group of co-workers and had “a lovely time” so I thought well, NIN she ought to “love to pieces” then, right? She’ll be cross stitching “NIN” on everything in no time, right?! Wrong. It changed her. It also made her expect larger gifts from me at Christmas. Additionally, she’s now convinced that Trent Reznor has a chain of hidden cameras mounted in public restrooms across the continental United States, and that said public restrooms have now become a “hip place where everyone is humping.” No amount of explaining could convince her otherwise.

I’m also thankful for this meme texted to me as it related to conversation from Penny:

Stuffed Crust Pizza

Stuffed Crust Pizza

And for our mutual friend, Ernie thinking that “sleeping in” is defined by being able to meet and coordinate a group outing 40 minutes away at 11:00 in the morning:

(We asked if we could have nachos, but Ernie had her own agenda.)

(We asked if we could have nachos, but apparently Ernie had her own agenda.)

Happy Thankful Thursdays y’all! Now get out there and be somebody!

Legend of the Suburban Orangutan

So, today Smith is out on a job and I am at home alone. I woke up late, took my lil buddy dog for a leisurely stroll, made some art, and spent some time with my kitten looking at pictures of cats online before ultimately heading to the shower, to blow the cumulative stank offa me.

boop. boop. boop.

After singing my best Journey medley for fifteen to twenty minutes, I exited my shower oasis and searched for my towel. It wasn’t on the door – because I took it off and walked around the house with it over my shoulder for ten minutes of pre-shower resistance. No big deal, I’ll just go out and get it – right?

Wrong. Smith forgot to tell me that the pest inspection dude was coming today. Therefore, I bust out in all my naked glory only to find a dude standing in our window with an oversized toilet brush. In my uncoordinated panic I twisted my ankle, yelled out ACK! as if I were the real-life Kathy cartoon, and dove into the bedroom like I just heard someone yell they cut the wrong wire on a bomb they were diffusing.

BOOM!

Worst yet, EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING I OWN IS CURRENTLY IN THE WASH ROOM – WHICH IS OUTSIDE THROUGH THE GARAGE! So currently, I’m writing this post while holed up in Smith’s closet (it’s the only place with no windows) sitting in a giant t-shirt that I think has a picture of Michael Jordan on it.

So life like. It’s like I’m looking at a photo!

The way I was awkwardly moving and thus unflattering angle making, I’d bet that the pest dude just thought he saw a suburban orangutan. I’m praying his eyes could not adjust to fully understand what he was seeing due to the bright sun outside. Either way, this dude is dead to me now. There will be no waving. There will be no small talk. I KNOW WHAT YOU SAW, BUDDY! You couldn’t even throw me a courtesy knock or doorbell? Boo. I quit us.

I look much hairier in motion.

Gravity, a Rapid Recap

Spaceballs 2

Spaceballs 2

Today’s Rapid Recap is the movie Gravity, starring Sandra Bullock and George Clooney.

The scene is space, where the final Frontega Chicken sandwich is being implemented and/or repaired aboard the space shuttle Explorer. Okay, so it wasn’t a delicious Frontega Chicken sandwich from Panera, but I’m hungry and it might as well have been one because they’re all:

Sandra Bullock: “Science, merph, more science…www.data.org.” *gastro-intestinal sound*

Merph!

George Clooney: *smirks* “Did I ever tell you my story about science?” *cowboy music plays*

My momma says I’m handsome.

Sandra: “Be quiet, George. Everyone knows you were Fisher on Roseanne!

“Ut oh, I think she’s on her period.”

Then boom goes the mullafuggin dynamite!

Silence.

Sandra: “My hands! HOW DO MY HANDS WORK?! ACK! SPACE! I WEAR BOY CUT UNDERWEARS!

“I never wanted to make Miss Congeniality 2!”

George: “Bitch, flash yo light!

Then Sandra Bullock yells out “FUCK IT! YOLOOOOOOOO!

“I wish for more wishes!”

George: “Remember the Titaaaaaannnns…

Sweating to the Clooney!

Sandra Bullock: “I’m serious… I was in Blind Side and I got emotions and shit.

Let’s move it along…

Then a Chinese guy talks to a wolf baby and Sandra hurls through space for 87 more minutes.

Bullock, out.

—–

Things I learned from the movie, Gravity:

1. Your tears make little rocket balls in space.

2. Astronauts don’t even need to panic pee up there. I’d get so much done if I was an astronaut! Sometimes I just think about peeing and boom, emergency gotta pee, like, YESTERDAY status.

3. George Clooney likes country music from the Coal Miner’s Daughter days and they have it available, in space,  24/7. I guess money really CAN buy ANYTHING!

Thank You Thursdays!

When I realize it’s Thursday, (because normally I do not know what day of the week it actually is and I go by “it feels like a Tuesday today” kind of logic) I’m going to make a conscious effort to post something I am thankful for- because “Thankful Thursdays” sounds good and I’m going to make this a universal thing just like that time when I made short busses come into style. With that, today I’m thankful for the ability to find humor in most anything. It always makes life entertaining. Let me share a few random places that have left me with the giggles lately:

1. This quote from Michael Scott on The Office about a character he made up and cried about for a non-existant movie he never made:

He had no arms or legs. He couldn’t see, hear, or speak. This is how he led a nation.

*This* is how he led a nation? *This* is? That just makes me lmao!

2. That time I saw an ice cream truck that read “Watch out for the childrens.” That’s right, “childrens” – with an s. How many dang kids are eating popsicles there that “children” needs to become more plural?!

WAIT FOR ME ICE CREAM MAN!

3. This girl’s reaction to seeing her spotty coverage map on this Verizon commercial:

What the hell am I seeing right now?!

4. This meme @SngleMomConfssn posted about diets:

JUST SHUT UP!

JUST SHUT UP!

5. The sign burning out on our Embassy Suites, to only reveal “Assy Suites” (Forgive the blurriness, Smith was driving at the speed of light and I took this shot right before we blasted back in time.)

Dang, I gotta mini fridge and a writing desk - these suites is assy as hell! *4 stars*

“Dang, I gotta mini fridge and a writing desk – these suites is assy as hell!” *4 stars*

6. Inspirational Mr. T on a unicorn:

Follow your dreams, fool!

7. And this “What I gotta put this on, #PowerRanger?” quote from this girl about it being to hot out side this past summer. (NSFW – language)

Bahaha! Laughing is good. Anyhoo – find something that makes you laugh and share it today! Happy Thank You Thursday!