My feelings on football can easily be summed up in this graphic.
LOOK AT THEM!
But, being that Football is officially one of America’s past times, well besides baseball, eating and making meth – I have decided to help others with my same – couldn’t-give-a-shit-less-about-your-fooseball attitude 10 pointers to help pass the hours of time waisted when people around you are watching this crap. Keep in mind, I have no idea what I am talking about- especially when it comes to football.
1. If you watch football long enough, one of the little ref dudes is going to throw a yellow tissue. Wait for it, because it is hilarious that these big, bone-crushing men have chosen the proper way to illustrate someone being out of line is to drop a tissue, like they’re some Jane Austen lady in waiting dropping a glove to a suitor. WEAK! I like to yell out “Oh no Mr. Darcy!” and giggle like a demure geisha whenever it happens.
… but then I remember football blows. (Not a geisha – but you can tell she feels my pain.)
2. Even these hard bodied football dudes’ bodies jiggle in slow motion. Grant it, if it were me in a football uniform in slow motion, it might look like someone shaking out a down comforter, but it gave me peace of mind regardless. Watch for the man jelly, ladies – then eat some cake LIKE A BOSS! Git cho self confidence on, dawg!
LET’S DO THIS!
3. Payton Manning yelling out his plays or whatever to the team sounds like Will Ferrel when he pretends to be angry. I like to imagine that it IS Will Ferrel, and at any moment he will be running his half naked ass down the field in tighty whities and loafers. SAVE ME TOM CRUISE!
4. They run food deals most often during football. Watch for this. It may be your way to see the light of day and retrieve said deliciousness for the football lovers, and doing things for others has gotta be good karma. Looks like you’re getting into Heaven after all!
5. You can pretty much get away with doing anything you want if the game is being watched by the majority of a group. Use this time to confess something you’re ashamed of, tell deep secrets or obligate others to helping with your upcoming yard sale. If someone actually hears you just cover it up by saying: “No, I said ‘Does anyone want me to go get wings?’” Crisis averted.
Oh… then who wants wings?!
6. Football player dudes like slapping each other’s butts. Play the drinking game by taking a shot every time someone smacks dat azz. You’ll be in rehab by half-time.
7. They have half-time. It’s like 15 minutes of sweet freedom.
Whee!!! I’m so free!
8. Always watch the people in the crowd or sidelines. There’s pure gold in them fields.
Thank you Kinkos! (Yes I know he’s at a basketball game.)
9. Ask questions out loud like “How are they making that line move?!” or “Why is that guy trying to touch that other dude’s nuts?” or “Which team is the horses and which is from the Boston Tea Party?” Football people love these types of questions, especially when they’re all yelling about something. “Go Seahogs!”
Hey look they scored a home run!
10. Sometimes the players hold hands while they run. I’m not kidding. This is kind of an underground maneuver so you really have to watch for it. I was told, by an ex-pro NFL dude that “it’s something they sometimes do for spacing” but to me it’s like they’re role playing Little Red Riding Hood and her BFF skipping through the forest with a basket of cookies or just a couple of dudes acting out the lyrics to Tiffany’s 1987 hit “I Think We’re Alone Now.” How cliche.
Don’t worry, it’s almost over – plus the Red Hot Chili Peppers/Bruno Mars are playing the Super Bowl! Cheese doodles and sweet jams in 3…2…1…